Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
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We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.