Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
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Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart