Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

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[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”


According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk.



I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.


Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.


Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.


Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.


friend: what are you doing

me: performing a ritual and trying to summon a demon

friend: …

me [dancing around pentagram]: come on shake your body baby do the conga

friend: its not work—

demon [rising through portal]: i know you cant control yourself any longer


Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.


Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.


Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.