@Darlainky

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

You Might Also Like

@joshgondelman

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

@fro_vo

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

@bkmorrison

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

@JoshuaHvr

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

@tastefactory

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

@scawn_

Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat

@LeBearGirdle

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

@LuvPug

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

@Jerk_Martin

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party