I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
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“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”
— how the worm got its name
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party