@Darlainky

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

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@pittdave13

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

@TheMichaelRock

According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk.

*shrugs*

@SadieSkyNinja

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

@UnFitz

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

@MrT1M

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

@ESXIII

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

@lincnotfound

friend: what are you doing

me: performing a ritual and trying to summon a demon

friend: …

me [dancing around pentagram]: come on shake your body baby do the conga

friend: its not work—

demon [rising through portal]: i know you cant control yourself any longer

@stockejock

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

@Jodesaroo

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

@philmann

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.