Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?