Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

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Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.


Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.


“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind


*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”


FACT: The Ghostbusters are a paralegal entity who enforce arbitrary restrictions on Post-Corporeal Americans.


When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.


Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.


In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.