*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
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None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old