A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
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I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.