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@GuyBreakup

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

@MissSassy_Pants

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

@CAshmanActor

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

@eslpaul

I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges

@Midgetspar

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

@TheToddWilliams

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

@minealone6

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

@BunAndLeggings

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

@KristinGnr

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

@OVO_Ty15

I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.