Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

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My friend David had his id stolen. I just call him Dav.


When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding


Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?


The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?


If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.


Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.



~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids


Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.


Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.