“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
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I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Good news
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.