@trevso_electric

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

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@browneyegirl9

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

@WritePlay

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

@yachiluvsyou

cat logic is so simple yet so effective. dont like something? smack it as far away from you as possible. flawless reasoning

@Awkward_Fun

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.

@imdaintyaf

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

@GlennyRodge

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

@BruceForce

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

@david8hughes

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”