Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

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mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony

me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet

mom: (._. )

me: I’m just kidding call the cops


Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.


[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

My dad: Concussion? What concussion?


Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.



Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool*

Dentist: So what do you do?

Equipment trolley 3ft away: I’m a ventriloquist


Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.


Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.


[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.


This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.