Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
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saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I hope Alan is OK
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.