mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony
me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet
mom: (._. )
me: I’m just kidding call the cops
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
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Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool*
Dentist: So what do you do?
Equipment trolley 3ft away: I’m a ventriloquist
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.