Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
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Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
The prophecy is fulfilled
Seems a bit forward
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My dress code is business-casualty.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached