suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt