[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
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I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
That’s enough internet for the day
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?