@stephanidek

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

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@shutupmikeginn

Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp

@iwearaonesie

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

@TinaMav

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

@mydmac

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

@TheAlexNevil

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

@AllyBallyBeal

Do not mess with bears. You’ll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That’s right – a victim

@farouq_yahaya

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

@cameronesposito

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored