Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
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Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
So we got a goldfish…
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Do not mess with bears. You’ll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That’s right – a victim
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored