*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

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Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp


9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this


How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.


According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.


My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.


Do not mess with bears. You’ll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That’s right – a victim


My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!


i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored