@stephanidek
@shutupmikeginn
Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp
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@shutupmikeginn
@bossy_boots99
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
@iwearaonesie
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
@TinaMav
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
@ConnerPohl
So we got a goldfish…
@mydmac
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
@TheAlexNevil
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
@AllyBallyBeal
Do not mess with bears. You’ll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That’s right – a victim
@farouq_yahaya
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
@cameronesposito
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored