Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
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[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?