Swans mate for life…in case you were wondering what made them so mean.

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[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO


ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.


I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.


Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew


Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens


It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”


My boyfriend isn’t allowed to have candles on his birthday cake…Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.


And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”


I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.