My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
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[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Cinematography is my passion
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”