Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
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I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time