I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
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My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.
if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Seems a bit forward
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.