@leapeajo

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

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@sixfootcandy

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

@clyderun

My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.

@SafyHallanFarah

if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die

@MsTexas1967

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

@WilliamAder

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

@lmegordon

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

@MiddlingMs

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

@TheTweetOfGod

“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.

@copymama

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.