*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
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Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.