sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
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My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
[shakes fist at other fist]
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Tell me you get it…🤣
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir