“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
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them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Twitter fine art
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.