@DeebsFTL

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

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@AndLookPretty

Husband, watching me eat ice cream straight from the carton: You uh … want a bowl for that?

Me: It’s IN a bowl.

Husband (wisely) backs out of the room.

@Floatersfinest

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

@Social_Mime

Either the guy in the waiting room just sneezed or was shot four times by invisible bullets.

@Home_Halfway

Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore

Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole

@RdrJay47

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

@Bratterina

Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.

@LizHackett

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

@stayfrea_

ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief

@GrantTanaka

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it