@DeebsFTL

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

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@TheTweetOfGod

Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I’m saying to you.

@Lovestained555

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

@kimtopher22

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

@trouteyes

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

@UncleDuke1969

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

@mommajessiec

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

@iGreenGod

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

@truegritrumble

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

@DanMentos

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

@alexlumaga

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*