Sweet. Free refrigerators!
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*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews