Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I’m saying to you.
You Might Also Like
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*