Sweet. Free refrigerators!

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Husband, watching me eat ice cream straight from the carton: You uh … want a bowl for that?

Me: It’s IN a bowl.

Husband (wisely) backs out of the room.


I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’


Either the guy in the waiting room just sneezed or was shot four times by invisible bullets.


Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore

Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole


Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.


Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.


I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”


ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief


[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it