Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
This has made my week.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]