Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
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Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Nomnomnomnom
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.