@DavidKlein5

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

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@Sarcasticsapien

This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.

@lisaxy424

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

@Cpin42

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

@SexytotheNorth

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

@eminmien

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

@shopkins776

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

@PaulyPeligroso

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

@Daps_95

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?