Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

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This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.


I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.


My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.


The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.


Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”


*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down


People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”


Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?