“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
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*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Why do meteors always land in craters?
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”