Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
You Might Also Like
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one