[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
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The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
sounds kinky. i’m in.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it