[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*puts words between two asterisks*
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
SPLOOT
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink