[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

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When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers


[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!


Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.


Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”


I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.


I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.


*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good


Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.


Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.


I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.