@flashember

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

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@Token_Geezer

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

@PaperWash

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

@SondraDeeMe

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

@UnFitz

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

@LostFelicia

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

@badbanana

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

@flashember

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

@BoredomDidIt

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

@GrabTheWEness

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

@Cheeseboy22

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.