He asked what I like in bed so I was honest:
1. My dog
3. Blankets fresh from the dryer
4. Take out
[Swims out to Sea]
*dolphins save me*
*dolphins ask for a tip
*they return me to the shark*
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Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life???
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Wife has spotted me tweeting while she is talking to me.
This does not please her.
She is currently approaching me.
She is reaching for my
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Oh man, I can’t wait to see this movie
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.