[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
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Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Mice are just frozen Mwater.