*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
You Might Also Like
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Happy Caturday!
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.