Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
You Might Also Like
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.