If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Wife: STOP TOUCHING MY FOREHEAD!
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-THAR SHE BLOWS
Does he REALLY have to be in here?
“My seeing-eye pirate? Yes”
But this is so intima-
“Fill the balloons, Susan”
me: [spends $20 on a parody MAGA hat with a subtle change]
anyone more than five feet away: oh look that person is a trump supporter
MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Nollywood movies would legit explain the whole movie to you in the title. 💔😂
Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.
Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-
Me: *smiling* Absolutely not
Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.
Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.
Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would’ve handed me a mop then beat me with a belt
Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.