@LosLos__

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Wife: STOP TOUCHING MY FOREHEAD!

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@Social_Mime

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

@sarcasm_inc

-THAR SHE BLOWS
*she stops*
Does he REALLY have to be in here?
“My seeing-eye pirate? Yes”
But this is so intima-
“Fill the balloons, Susan”

@ruinedpicnic

me: [spends $20 on a parody MAGA hat with a subtle change]
anyone more than five feet away: oh look that person is a trump supporter

@living_marble

MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats

@Reverend_Scott

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

@tonyhawk

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

@D_empiricist

Nollywood movies would legit explain the whole movie to you in the title. 💔😂

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.

Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-

Me: *smiling* Absolutely not

Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.

Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.

@robfee

Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would’ve handed me a mop then beat me with a belt

@TrickleVaryTea

Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.