*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
You Might Also Like
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings