[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.


*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed.”
Doc:” Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now.”


There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.


*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*


Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..


Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.


Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.


Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir