[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
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What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?