Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
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I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”