The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
The swimsuit portion of the presidential election is going to suck.
Therapist: your wife has trouble understanding the way you express yourself
Me: well that’s Sheila, always the pancake on the ceiling
Unionize your workplace
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.