*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot