@HatfieldAnne

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

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@Marlebean

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

@mommajessiec

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

@PickleRudd

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

@Sarcasmo718

The Taliban heavily overestimates the need for monkey-bar training.

@dksc4life

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

@bgirl314

Eating a box of Thin Mints doesn’t make you thin.

Apparently.