@HatfieldAnne

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

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@offbeatoliv

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

@TuSoonShakur

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

@sonictyrant

Therapist: your wife has trouble understanding the way you express yourself

Me: well that’s Sheila, always the pancake on the ceiling

@girlontapas

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

@NintenDom

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

@3sunzzz

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.