*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

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whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic


My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.


[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”


Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.


[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.


Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.


People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.


Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.


No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.


With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse