HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
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Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now
If something happened to me today, my legacy would be how much my kids say “like”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth