@NewDadNotes

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

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@mostly_cheese

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

@junejuly12

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

@MensHumor

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

@fart

dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now

@SnackMomSyndrom

If something happened to me today, my legacy would be how much my kids say “like”

@TheIronSherk

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

@TheSharona06

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.