Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
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Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner