Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I have never related to anyone more.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I put the hot in psychotic.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.