Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
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He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Oceanography is all about current events
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form