Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
You Might Also Like
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
📽️movie date🎞️
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.