Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
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moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
are there any atheist mantises?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Welcome
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that