[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon

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Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?


I’m wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.


By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails


[on date]
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?


Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.


Missed opportunity: Who decided to call it “possession of marijuana” instead of “joint custody”?


I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.


Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.


Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground