[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
channeling her this year