Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

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Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.


Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.


Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.


Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill


Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job


“ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SEX WITH MINERS!” is the exact wrong way to proclaim your sexual proclivity toward those who excavate coal.


I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.


There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.


Perhaps Charles Manson is a selfless lover.

YOU don’t know.