@ChipKellysBalls: Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
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@david8hughes: [looks over neighbour's fence while he's in the pool] "Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days."
@StatMan_Who: Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
@iGreenMonk: My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me. At least that's one thing she has in common with my wife.
@mommajessiec: *giving my sister parenting advice* Me: So, you lift them like this. Sister: Okay. M: Then, scream into it. Now you try. S: [picks up pillow]