Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
You Might Also Like
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”