Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
You Might Also Like
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
“ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SEX WITH MINERS!” is the exact wrong way to proclaim your sexual proclivity toward those who excavate coal.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Perhaps Charles Manson is a selfless lover.
YOU don’t know.