Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
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When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.