No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
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MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance