@NicestHippo

Symptoms of mental illness:
-Hearing voices
-Hallucinating
-Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts

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@imteddybless

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

@oakhillbargrill

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

@sarcasticmommy4

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

@ambamthankyamam

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

@AngieDavisHaha

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

@ThugRaccoons

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

@lenazun

nobody:
an unmuted programmer on the zoom call: CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACKCLACKCLACK