me: I need three trampolines
him: what for?
me: no three
Symptoms of mental illness:
-Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts
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i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– oh honey
– nobody would name their kid Trenton
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
an unmuted programmer on the zoom call: CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACKCLACKCLACK