Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
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My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.