Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
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Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Kids, do not try this at home!
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos