T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
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I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Clients after you give them your rates
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.