@johnfreiler

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

You Might Also Like

@clindsaysway

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

@delusions_of

Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.

@behindyourback

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

@HiddleDeeDee

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

@SarahJonesVent

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

@SadMeterologist

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

@clichedout

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

@copymama

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

@okcallmejay

I may seem put together until you see me ironing my sundress in my underpants 10 mins before someone is supposed to knock on my door