T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

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The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.


Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.


If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies


“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.


How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now


Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.


[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure


me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up


Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”


I may seem put together until you see me ironing my sundress in my underpants 10 mins before someone is supposed to knock on my door