T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.


If I was a villain, my weapon would be a fan and a bag of eyelashes for blinding superheroes

I’m a villain, don’t ask how I get my weapons


Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!


*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here


They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.


Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.


If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.


Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused


You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.


Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.