T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
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My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
sin harder.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.